Pish! Posh! BOOM!
by Dark Lord Potter Black
Summary: Harry and Daphne Potter decided to time travel to1991. But, Death intervenes. With Severus Snape tagging along, they end up in 1976. Now, Harry has to watch as Snape and his father try to woo his mother while his godfather, Sirius Black falls in love with his wife. Not to mention Voldemort, self-fulfilling prophecies and time paradoxes. Excalibur still shines bright in the Dark
1. Chapter 1

**Special thanks to the ffn author Dorothea Greengrass for inspiring me to write some romance, rather than sticking to much darker themes. Read her work for heart-fluttering romance.**

 **Made a few xorrections in last part.**

 **The story will probably be 'On Hiatus' till August 2018. No, it doesn't mean abandoned.**

 _ **PISH!POSH!BOOM!**_

Harry groaned as he found himself laying flat against the ground. Again.

They had failed. He sighed, lying naked on the surface which was neither cold nor warm – but there flat, blank something on which to be. He stood up, wishing to be clothed – and just like his previous visit his wish was fulfilled. He felt young, not that he did care.

Now all he had to do was wait for Daphne and whoever else he was supposed to meet. He wished it wasn't Dumbledore this time. The man couldn't give a straight answer to save his keen neck.

"Harry," a soft melodious voice.

Harry spun around to find Daphne, and inhaled deeply. There she stood naked, her blonde hair flowing down to her waist, her skin glowing and blush creeping on her face. She was seventeen again, unscathed as she was supposed to be before the brutality of the war had destroyed her skin and she had lost her ability to bear children. But, Harry never did mind, he had loved her deeply for nearly a century and her appearance wasn't something he cared about.

He crossed the distance between them without breaking the eye-contact and kissed her fervently which she returned without hesitance.

"Hey," he murmured.

She smiled. "I am whole." She certainly felt whole.

She felt him frown. Then a fabric covered her body. Silk. She looked at him, "Now you are," he smiled.

"If you are done, Potter," a silky smooth voice, that _once_ sent shivers down his spine, drawled.

He turned around to see a much younger version of Severus Snape.

"Son of a bitch!" Daphne whispered angrily.

Harry looked at her with some amusement. She was grumbling something about wrong timings. He could guess what it was about. She was after all a very insatiable woman.

"Nice of you to greet us, Professor," Daphne said as she put up a haughty arrogant smile she would use every time they visited her sister.

"I must say that Miss Greengrass, that you might have lost some brain cells to marry this dunderhead..." Snape commented as he glared at Harry who just rolled his eyes.

"How sweet of you," Harry drawled. "Better you than Dumbledore," he said more to himself than former Potions Master.

"So are you our... Ah, guide to umm... wherever?" Daphne asked curiously.

"Fortunately, you two aren't dead, or as dead you are supposed to be."

"And I thought you were better than Albus," Harry retorted. Bloody bastards, both of them.

" _Stop fighting children!_ " Now that did send shivers down Harry's spine. The voice was cold calm, whispery and apparently, reeked of _Death_.

Death stood there. The sight was more disgusting than Dementors having sex, and that was something to say. He felt Daphne's hold on his hand tighten.

It looked directly at Harry and chastised him, "You shouldn't mess with time, _Master_." Though this time the voice was more grandfatherly and the abomination morphed into an old man. And not any old man, _Myriddin Emmrys._ Not surprising.

Harry opened his mouth to tell how he knew to manipulate time streams safely, but decided against it. "It is good to see you too, _servant_ " Harry greeted in a polite tone, atleast he had started with one.

Snape shot him a bewildered look and Daphne just rolled her eyes at her husband's blatant disregard of such a deity.

"So how are we sorta dead but not as much as we supposed to be?" Daphne asked completely ignoring that any altercation had even taken place.

"The ritual you both did was actually successful, the only problem is I can't send you to 1991."

Harry frowned. If they _were_ successful what the _fuck_ were they doing here and why can't he send them. He wrapped an arm around Daphne and asked nonchalantly, "Oh, come on! Don't I get some Master of Death special offer?"

Death _actually_ snorted. "Yes you do, but I have some conditions."

Harry shrugged. He would humour him, it wasn't as if he had something else to do. Damn! He didn't even think it was real until now. He would have a talk with Daphne later.

"You have to kill Voldemort-" Death began but Daphne cut him off.

"Wow! We never imagined doing that!" Daphne commented with mock seriousness, while Harry snorted.

"Listen to me," He replied tiredly. "Kill Voldemort. Take Snape back. And you would have to end up in 1976. And, attend Hogwarts." It was all said in such a rush that Harry just got the general gist of it all.

"We won't have our trust vaults over there or our identity or our bodies." Harry commented offhandedly. 1976? What the fuck for? And take Snape? And do what, let him woo _his_ mother? Both his parents were arrogant kids anyways. Snape wasn't much better anyways, considering extra seventeen years of experience. "And attend Hogwarts in 976? And do what? Prepare for our OWLs?" Harry asked angrily. He had no plans to deal with Dumbledore if he could avoid it.

"I am not giving you a choice," Death snapped. "NEWTS actually."

Harry grit his teeth.

"Oh then we are going to afterlife," Daphne said shrugging. Harry nodded, they knew Death wouldn't-couldn't stop them without losing some of his powers.

Albeit he was a bit taken back when Death shrugged, "Then I will send Snape alone."

Harry glared at him. "WHY should we attend Hogwarts?"

Death looked at Snape who shook his head very slightly, and Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Out with it, Snape!" Harry snarled. What in the name of Merlin was the deal that Snape made with Death.

"Uhh... You see... um you might disappear-if uh-you didn't attend Hogwarts."

The meaning was not lost on Harry or Daphne. He felt her hand once again tighten against his.

He almost growled before he looked at Death, and shrugged, although he wanted to rip him into pieces, he continued calmly, "We are not changing our name or surnames for that matter."

It was the first time Snape might have shown his shock, and Harry felt good. Daphne knew Harry had something in mind. She kept quiet.

"Oh, I will take care of your identities," Death waved his hand.

"Anyways, Professor," Harry began as if he was going to ask weather, "Why do you want to waste your second life over a girl who doesn't even care about you?"

"What do know, Potter?" Snape sneered, looking at him with hatred and contempt.

"Don't tell me you are that naive, Professor?" Harry smirked. "Not very Slytherin are you?" Harry jabbed, he was vaguely aware of Death frowning at him.

"Really Potter," Snape growled. "What would you know about Slytherin? Weren't you the one who jumped on a sixty foot Basilisk?"

Daphne too was frowning now. Harry was just riling up Snape for no reason. But he had always enjoyed doing so. "It was eighty foot," Daphne commented mildly.

"Of course it was, Miss Greengrass," Snape replied dryly.

Harry frowned, "Oh come on. You just called her 'Mudblood' once and she was ready to throw six years of friendship as if it meant nothing to her.

"Moreover she was dictating your life quite a bit, like who your friends were and who you hanged out with. And, she even called you _Snivellus_."

At this point, Snape was red in face, and looked ready to trash Harry's logic and murder him, if he actually could. So, Harry decided to backtrack a bit. Snape listening to him, was a big deal anyways. "And she kinda ruled your life even in her death. Anyways," he shrugged, "It's up to you to decide what to do about her." Baby steps, he told himself. No use making an enemy out of him, of course. Snape was still glaring so he shrugged again and turned to Death who too was glaring at him. He frowned. Did she feel pity for _Snivellus?_

"So do you want to tell us something else?" Daphne asked softly to Death who just shook his head and pointed to the train.

"I would like to know what are you going to do about our identities and our vaults?" Harry asked.

"Don't worry. You will see." Death waved it off.

Bastard. Harry knew that there was no need for the train. It was a good thing Ignotus Peverell had kept quite a journal. Very few knew that Ignotus was the one who killed his brothers to attain the title of Master of Death, before he got too bored and decided to move to afterlife, leaving the relics behind on the Earth. Daphne had went ahead to avoid a conflict and Snape had quietly followed.

Harry was about to do the same before he felt a pain shoot through his arm and he stopped to look at Death. He whimpered as if in pain from hurting it's master before it morphed back into abomination.

It whispered in a deadly voice, switching to Parseltongue, _§§ I know what you are trying, Master. I cannot meddle with your affairs, Master or I would have burnt you in Hell and fed your soul to Dementors. And I doubt the Mistress agrees with you!_ §§

Harry rolled his eyes and replied in English "Got a crush on Snape, servant, huh? Don't mind me, I might save him from lot of pain as well."

"By depriving him of his love?" Death snarled.

"Lily Evans was a very arrogant girl. And, why do you care?" Harry asked, he was really curious what was the big deal between them of which he wasn't part of. Before he could command Death to tell him, he felt himself being pulled into land of living.

 _ **Pish!Posh!BOOM!**_

Snape was angry. It was all Potter's fault. Who the hell was he talk about Lily like that. He was just her son, who never even knew her. Just arrogant like his father.

Deep down, he knew he made a bit of sense. It was what he thought when Lily had so easily abandoned him, and not more than a year later they were exchanging spit with each other. He hadn't expected that a bit. He was still angry when he felt his surroundings dissolve into nothingness and his mouth move on his own.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her." It was his own voice. But something was amiss this time. He was still hanging upside down when Lily blinked. Ripple effect. He left it that.

"Fine," she said coldly. "I won't bother in future. And, I'd wash my pants if I were you _Snivellus_."

Oh, that was it. Something snapped inside him. First Potter, now Lily.

"Apologise to Evans," James roared, his wand pointing threateningly at Snape.

"I don't want you to-"

Lily never finished as Snape wandlessly cancelled the spell, and with a grace she had never seen him move, landed on his feet. His wand jumped into his hand in a blink of an eye and he swiftly disarmed both Potter and Black, catching their wands in his hand.

"Shut up, all of you," he spoke coldly but in a calm commanding voice, though no one was really speaking. Lily had trailed off and rest of the crowd was gaping at him. He sneered at her before throwing the wand at her feet. He turned on his heel and marched of tool Slytherin dungeons.

 _ **Pish!Posh!BOOM!**_

"Potter, what the hell are you doing here?" Snape frowned. "I just put up wards around my room."

Harry sighed deeply, as he plopped himself on the bed of his former Potions Master, ignoring the glare he got from the said Potions Master. "I got a lashing from my wife from the way I treated you in... wherever we were."

Snape raised an eyebrow at that.

"You see," Harry elaborated, "Daphne lost her ability to bear children during the war. Teddy, Remus' godson died infront of her. So she has decided to look after you."

"I-"

"Please don't, _Severus_ " Harry cut him off sadly. Snape fell silent, surprising Harry.

"You both are seventeen now, you do realise that, Potter?" Snape replied without any venom in his voice. "And you would stay so until 1980, when the Paradox would hit."

"The Paradox might never hit, Severus," Harry replied. He might never be born, it was a high possibility. "Not when you didn't call her a 'Mudblood'."

Snape grimaced. "Actually, I did."

"WHAT!? Wow, you must really have more than a few screws loose, Severus." Harry replied in mock-wonder.

" _He_ said I have to live with it, alright? And you are the one to talk about loose screws?" Snape raged. "You were a complete dunderhead, Potter, when it came to girls. What with Chang stamping on your crotch and Weasel stabbing you in the back, huh Potter?"

Harry scowled. "I have Daphne, now." He had a very good idea of _He. The Death._

"That you do." Snape relented.

"Anyways, Daphne sends her regards." Harry continued, as he pulled out a matchbox-sized object and threw it Snape.

"A trunk?" Snape queried, and with a wave of his wand he enlarged it. "I do not want charity, Potter."

"Tell my wife. I am not taking it back, she would have both of our heads on a platter if I did." Harry replied without missing a beat.

"Where did you even get it?" Snape asked as he opened the seven compartment trunk.

Harry shrugged, "Death's gift. We woke up in our house. House from the future, complete with wards and everything inside. We had removed all the gold from the goblins and put them in our Hous-"

"Merlin!" Snape exclaimed as he reached a compartment full of gold, the previous ones contained clothing, books and potions ingredients and bunch of wands in each compartment and rest two were empty. He looked at Harry.

"Don't ask, Snape. There is no way I am taking that trunk back. Heck, I didn't even knew it wasn't empty. Daphne herself packed it."

"A house, you say?" Snape asked after a moment.

"Yes, the Peverell Castle."

Snape blinked but didn't comment.

"We also received memories. Apparently I am son of Fleamont Potter and Daphne is daughter of Cyrus Greengrass, both left Britain and went France and killed each other in an altercation, leaving Daphne and I orphans at seven and only each other to support."

"How ironic," Snape droned. It was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

"Will You return to Spinner's end?" Harry asked suddenly.

"No. Not again. Last time, I lived with Lucius."

"You left one Hell for another, how nice, Severus," Harry drawled imitating Malfoy. "We will see you at the station, then."

Harry paused. "How are things in Slytherin?"

"Nothing I can't handle."

"Right. Don't kill anyone. Not yet, anyways. And, don't get killed either. "

"I wasn't planning to. And I survived a decade under Dark Lord as a spy, Hogwarts is nothing compared to it. "

Harry nodded, before adding, "We might do a number on the Lestranges."

"They were the ones to curse Greengrass," Severus concluded. Harry didn't reply, so Severus continued, "Might add my father to that list."

Harry just gave a stiff nod. Severus didn't know whether he was being serious or not.

"Take care, Snape." And with that, he was gone. Severus stared at the spot for a moment before he pulled out his wand and started laying a few more wards, he doubted it would deter Master of Death, though.

 _ **Pish!Posh!BOOM!**_

All the four common rooms were in complete chaos. Each wondering what happened with _Severus Snape_?

 **A/N**

 **Review, Fav and Follow. The general nonesense.**

 **Next will be the update of Sapphires Meet Emeralds. Check it out if you haven't yet. Update will be next year, though.**

 **And of course, I don't own HP.**

 **30 Aug 17**

 **The story will probably be 'On Hiatus' till August 2018. No, it isn't abandoned.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**PISH!POSH!BOOM!**_

"Can some one tell me what the fuck happened to Snape?" James asked loudly in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Sirius just looked at him, and shook his head. He thought it was good riddance. Now that Evans and Snape were no longer talking, they could leave their obsessions with Snape.

He hated Snape, make no mistake. But, this amount of obsession was unhealthy. Snape was a good time pass. That was it. But, now it seemed Snape could do wandless magic, big deal. His Uncle had told him – it only meant he had practised long enough.

And, he hardly understood why James would go after Evans – Evans was a prude, no one could see that what with all the mask of kindness. Perfect Prefect Evans. He scoffed, "Doesn't matter, mate."

"Doesn't matter? He did _wandless_ magic! I am sure he used Dark Arts!" James shouted at no one.

In his peripheral vision, Sirius could see Remus shaking his head while everyone in the common room – including him – nodded, treating James as some kind of god. He caught the eye of one Frank Longbottom who was looking at the scene, disgusted. He never understood the bloke – he was probably the calmest Gryff, and rarely spoke – but always disliked them. But, he was also the one who never treated him, a Black, any differently, when they were sorted. Principles, perhaps.

"James, wandless magic is not Dark Magic," Remus reasoned. "He must have been simply angry, kind of like accidental magic, you know..."

Sirius had no doubts that James did know, it was just something to heal their bruised egos, the reason he had nodded in the first place.

"Sirius agrees with me – don't you Sirius?" James asked him directly.

"Of course, I do. Snape is rotten Death Eater scum. Not really worth it." He replied as if he had better things to do. The doors of the common room opened and Miss Evans came in with her bunch of friends – tear tracks still visible. Suddenly the idea of doing something better than staying here looked very inviting. "Sorry, James. But, I have to meet Clara," Sirius said before James could comment – and he was out before anyone could protest. He felt bad for Remus – but soon any thoughts of his well being went out of his mind as unholy screeches of Evans reached him, outside the closed portrait.

Sirius shook his head as he reached his destination – the Slytherin Common Rooms. This was a probably bad idea. "Serpents," he murmured the password, and watched as the walls parted. 'Uh oh! Bad timing!'

The fuckers were having a duel – Mulciber, Avery were lying in heap, Snape had been pointing a wand at them which was now pointing at him, and Malfoy was smirking, with an arm around his cousin, Narcissa – while others were watching.

He could see Snape moving his lips, muttering obscenities under his breath, this was probably one of his bad ideas, ones which could get him killed. He had done this before, but normally he had done it after curfew, and at midnight. He knew Slughorn liked him, and his quarters were nearby.

"How did you get in?" Malfoy sneered, as at the same time Regulus hissed, "What are you doing here?"

"A word," Sirius said to Regulus – completely ignoring the rest of them. Regulus glared at him, but nodded and followed him out.

"Are you insane?" Regulus screamed at him as they reached an empty classroom. "They could have killed you!"

"There are things worse than dying," Sirius waved him off, quoting Dumbledore. Things between Marauders and Snape had went to Hell after the Willow incident. Sirius wanted to do nothing with the git since then. He understood Dumbledore in that moment. "I won't be coming home, this summer. "

"What!? Mum would kill you or worse disown you!"

Sirius glared at him, "How is it different from any other time. I don't think I can attend any more parties of that wanker – "

"The Dark Lord is great! He will free is of the scum, you blood trait–"

Sirius pulled Regulus up, from the collar, before he could finish the statement. "If you want to follow a megalomaniac, and get yourself killed, your choice."

Sirius threw open the door, only to see Snape. Sirius had very good idea, what was Snape doing there. "Not a word!" He snarled at him, before he left the bat standing alone in the corridor. He knew his brother and _Snivellus_ were close, it only made him hate the bat more.

 _ **PISH!POSH!BOOM!**_

"I gave him the trunk, I don't know why we bothered."

Daphne raised an eyebrow, "Whatever do you mean, Harry?"

"He called her a Mudblood. Apparently, Death has some weird notions of repenting the deeds," Harry said as he slid an arm across his wife's waist, as they walked towards the Kitchen. She didn't reply. Harry suddenly frowned, "When are we getting married?"

Daphne snorted, "That is perhaps the lamest proposal, I've ever heard."

He pulled her closer and turned her towards him so that she was standing infront of him, "Really? Maybe because it wasn't one." He kisses her softly.

"Mm.. I am really hungry, you know."

"Dying does that to you, my dear. Let's eat out somewhere. 70s style." He tried to reason again. He knew he would inevitably fail, but who cares.

"More like an intense session of sex would do that to you. And, I don't like 70s."

"You have never been here before," Harry chuckled as he kissed her again. She complied happily.

"The Kitchen is stocked. I don't feel like leaving home."

He sighed, "Fine. We will cook something then. I really miss Kreacher in such times.."

 _ **A/N: The chapter is incomplete. On hiatus till Aug 2018**_


	3. Author's Note - Not Abandoned!

_**A/N:**_

 _ **Okay, the story is on hiatus till August 2018. I really shouldn't be writing. I have exams, I took a break to reappear my entrance exams. The last chapter isn't even finished. All stories of mine are On Hiatus till Aug 2018. It doesn't mean they are abandoned. I feel it is my moral obligation to finish the story.**_

 _ **See uou next time.**_


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